Valiant To Pig - "Let's talk turkey!"

This is Eddie Valiant, Private Eye.  These are a few of my  notes on the strange affair I'm calling "Who Wacked Roger Rabbit?"


Eddie Valiant
Private Detective

I been involved with plenty of screwy cases.  You hang around with Toons long enough, screwy cases come with the territory. I can't remember any case more topsy turvy than this one.

I been hanging out here in Toontown for a couple of days now.  Body guarding big time movie star Gary Cooper who's making a movie in T-Town call Hi, Toon!  The flicker's an action/adventure buddy comedy co-starring Roger Rabbit.  So I don't need to tell you that this is not gonna be high art. Unless your idea of culture is watching a bunch of bozos cracking wise and shooting each other with squirt guns.

During my investigation, I came to know a honey of a blonde. Honey Graham, that's her name.  She's got more curves than the road into Laurel Canyon.  Problem is, she's taken up with some bad company.  Her boyfriend, a swine name of Willy Prosciutto.

Willy P controls the rackets in Toontown.  And by that I don't mean the stupid ZOIKS, BONGS, WHOOPEES, and CLANGGGGS that Toons are always using for comic effect. I mean the real rackets.  The illegal gambling, the drugs, the hootch, the money laundering.  And the biggie.  The murders.

Somebody cacked a clown in Toontown.  They did it on my watch.  I'm not letting anybody get away with that.  Especially not a swine like Willy P.

What's worse, Willy P's been using his girlfriend Honey for a punching bag.

In my book, that's nearly as bad as murder.

I got info from a reliable source that Willy P's at The Slop House, one of Toontown's most famous eateries.  For Thanksgiving, they specialize in the "All You Can Gobble Buffet." 

Toontown Crime Boss
 Willy Prosciutto Hogging Out At Thanksgiving.

Willy can gobble with the best.  He's inside right now .  I'm going in to talk turkey with him.

I'm gonna fry that pig's bacon.

Stick around.  I'll let you know what happens.



Why Is Private Eye Guy Eddie Valiant Dressed Like A Gorilla?

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is gossip columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location.

 

To recap the latest action for you.

I’m here outside the Toontown Hippodrome, site of Toontown's major hoopla, the annual Toonie Awards. The Toonies recognize the year's best performances in cartoons.

Just moments ago, Toon glamour puss Honey Graham came running out of the Hippo with a big mouse under her eye.  And I'm not talking Mickey. This was the big, red, swollen kind of mouse that comes hand delivered.

Immediately after Honey emerged, puffy eyed and crying, who should come running out of the Hippo but Private Eye Eddie Valiant.  This time, instead of gumshoes, Eddie is wearing gorilla feet.  And the rest of a gorilla costume, as well.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL WILDLY WAVING HIS ARMS

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Hey Eddie.  Eddie Valiant.  Over hear.

SOUND OF SIMPLE STUBBY SIMIAN SWIFTLY SWAYING SIDEWAYS



Eddie Valiant At The Toonie Awards
 

EDDIE VALIANT:

Oooga Booga.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You might want to remove your head.

FUNNY TINNY TOONY SOUND OF GORILLA HEAD POPPING OFF  GORILLA BODY

EDDIE VALIANT:

Yeah, you're right, Walter. That does make talking easier.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I must ask, Eddie.  What gives with the gorilla get up?

EDDIE VALIANT:

As you know, I'm here in Toontown body guarding Gary Cooper.  Cooper's attending the Toonie awards tonight.  So I had to go, too.  It's a formal affair.  Roger Rabbit told me I would have to wear a monkey suit.  I assumed by that he meant a tuxedo.  You think eventually I would learn.  When a Toon says monkey suit, a Toon means a monkey suit.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Why did you come running out of there all hot and bothered?  Some juicy piece of gossip I ought to know about?

EDDIE VALIANT:

I'm looking for Honey Graham.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

She came running out just before you did.  She appeared a bit the worse for wear.

EDDIE VALIANT:

That's an understatement.  Her swine of a boyfriend, Willy Prosciutto, used her head for a punching bag.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

That's awful.

EDDIE VALIANT:

You can say that again.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

That's awful.

EDDIE VALIANT:

Are you sure you don't have some Toon blood in you someplace?  Anyway, I know these  wack-a-doodle Toons play fast and loose with the fisticuffs.  Always smacking and poking and bopping one another.  I'll tell you one thing.  Ain't nobody hits a woman when Eddie Valiant's around.  I don't care if Willy Prosciutto is the crime boss of Toontown. That pig is a sty in the eye of Toontown.  I'm gonna see that he wallows in a whole world of swill for what he did to that girl.

SOUND OF EDDIE VALIANT MONKEY-FOOTING AWAY

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Folks, this story is taking a darker turn by the moment.  Stay Tooned.  I have a hunch you'll want to see what our next installment brings.







 

Walter Windchill Shocked by Honey Graham At Toonie Awards!

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is gossip columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location.

 

I’m here outside the Toontown Hippodrome, site of Toontown's major hoopla, the annual Toonie Awards. The Toonies recognize the year's best performances in cartoons.

The Hippo is shaped like a, well, you can guess-what-kind-of-animal. The entryway occupies that part of the building corresponding to the hippo's horn.

Let me describe the scene for you.

A phalanx of photographers and reporters line either side of the red carpet. Stanchions and a velvet rope keep us fifth estaters separated from the first classies.

We’re patiently waiting for the stars to come out after the festivities end.

I’ll try to get you an interview with Roger Rabbit if I can. Roger is up tonight for Best Supporter for his role in Jockstrap Whippersnap, a cartoon in which he and Baby Herman wreak their usual brand of infantile and hare-brained havoc during a Toontown Terrors football game.

The ceremony won’t be over for quite awhile, so I'll hang around out here in the cold until…..just a moment.  Somebody’s coming out!

SOUND OF HIGH HEELS ON MARBLE STEPS. SOUND OF SOFT SOBBING.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

It’s none other than glamour gal Honey Graham.

In Toontown's female galaxy, Jessica Rabbit's star shines biggest and brightest. If Jessica is Cassiopeia, Honey Graham is The Big Dipper. Heavenly, but not sparkling quite as brightly. Honey is slimmer than Jessica and not as curvy. A dead straight drag strip rather than a twisty high mountain road. Her hair matches her name, honey, a sweetly luscious shade of light tan that drips to her shoulders. Nuzzling that hair would probably satisfy any man’s sugar cravings for a month.



Honey Graham
At The Toonie Awards.

Tonight Honey is wearing a long green gown that appears to have been crafted by a spray painter. Not that I’m complaining. In female fashion, I always opt for floozy over flouncy.

Honey seems to be crying.  Let’s see if we can find out why.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL OBNOXIOUSLY PUSHING HIS WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE THRONG.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Honey, Honey, Walter Windchill here. You're crying.  Is something wrong?

 

HONEY GRAHAM:

 

It's my boyfriend.  Willy Prosciutto.

 

SOUND OF WINDCHILL FILLING IN DETAILS.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

For those of you who don’t know, Willy Prosciutto's one mean porker. He has his greasy hooves in every Toontown pie. He's earned plenty of bacon. Get Prosciutto heated up, and you'll wind up scrambled with egg on your face.  Prosciutto's one ham who'll never be cured.

Willy P got his start doing walk-ons in barnyard movies. One time a reviewer wrote that Willy was such a ham actor he ought to wear a clove in his buttonhole. That reviewer disappeared and was never seen again.

 

Miss Graham, it looks like....can it be?  I think you have a black eye is black.  Did Willy P do that to you!

 

SOUND OF HONEY GRAHAM APPLYING INK AND PAINT TO HER MOUSE.

 

HONEY GRAHAM:

 

He gave me what he calls a love tap.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

That's very tough love.  What got the pig's dander up?

 

HONEY GRAHAM:

 

I was having the most delightful conversation with Gary Cooper.  We were talking about all sorts of things. He's such a polite and thoughtful man.  Well, Willy took offense.  Willy is a little bit jealous.  He doesn't like me talking to other men.  Especially not handsome men like Gary Cooper. Being a pig himself, Willy's funny that way.  We had words, and I walked off.  Willy doesn't like it when I walk away from him.  So he hit me.  To keep me in my place, as he says.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

He's a bit of a swine that one. Why do you stay with him?

 

HONEY GRAHAM:

 

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.

 

SOUND OF LIMO PULLING UP

 

LIMO:

 

Hey, toots, need a ride?

 

SOUND OF HONEY GRAHAM ENTERING LIMO.  SOUND OF LIMO PULLING AWAY.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

What a soap opera we have here.  I suspect we haven't heard the last of the Honey Graham and Willy Prosciutto saga.

 

HEAVY SOUND OF HAIRY FEET CLUMPING.  SLIGHT SMELL OF BANANS.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Wait.  There's somebody else coming out.  It's.....a gorilla.  No.  It's Eddie Valiant wearing a gorilla costume.

 

Stay tooned, folks.  I suspect my next interview is going to be a hum doozie.

 

Hey Eddie.  Eddie.  Over here!

 

 

 

 

 

Walter Windchill Interviews The Toontown Customs Gorilla

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location from the tunnel entrance to Toontown.

I'm in line to go through customs.

I've stopped in front of a small wooden structure painted in red and white stripes. The windowless structure has a peaked, shingled roof, and a small door. From the size and candy-cane color scheme, the place could be Santa's outhouse. A sign over the door reads "Customs House."

A smaller sign hanging at a crooked angle below it reads, "Stop here. Why? Because that's the Custom."

Below that is another even crookeder sign reading, "Don't argue with the Custom-er. He's always right!"

SOUND OF CUSTOMS HOUSE DOOR SLAMMING OPEN.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Let me paint a word picture of what's happening here.  A huge hairy hand comes out of the Customs House, followed by a huge hairy arm, both attached to a huge hairy gorilla. In true Toontown how'd-he-ever-get-in-there-in-the-first-place? fashion, the gorilla is twice as big as the house he came out of.

Toontown Customs Gorilla
 

He wears a tan military brass-buttoned uniform. With his pendulous, simian breasts, rolls of gut flab, and dangling arms there is no way his uniform could be tailored to make him look snappy.

His itsy hat covers about a third of the space between his ears. The hat curves at the sides into a fifty mission bomber pilot style crush.

 

CUSTOMS GORILLA:

Anything to declare?

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

What exactly are you looking for?

CUSTOMS GORILLA:

Anything you got that's serious. This is Toontown, buddy. No seriousness allowed in Toontown. Whatever doesn't get a yuck, doesn't come in

I had a guy come through here yesterday.  Private eye named Eddie Valiant.  He was bringing in a sawed-off twelve gauge shotgun, a Thompson submachine gun with a circular snare drum clip, a couple of handguns, silencers, a few hand grenades, cosh, sap, billy, cudgel, rubber hose, and bastinado. Well I gotta tell you.  Ain’t none of that the least bit funny.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

How true.

CUSTOMS GORILLA:

I confiscated what he had and replaced it with stuff that's Toontown appropriate.  I gave him a machine gun that shoots ping pong balls. When he pulls the trigger on his new shotgun, a little flag comes out that says "BANG." The cosh, sap, billy, and cudgel I replaced with duplicates made of soft rubber. I let him keep the rubber hose except now there’s a spigot screwed onto one end that constantly drips water. I swapped his handguns for a dart gun, a cap pistol, and a cardboard gun that shoots rubber bands. Instead of hand grenades he got two fourth of July sparklers and three skyrockets.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Bad guys will die laughing when they get a load of that arsenal.

CUSTOMS GORILLA:

That’s the whole idea!  This is Toontown.

 

SOUND OF GORILLA BREAKING INTO HUGE GRIN THAT EXPOSES A ROW OF YELLOW TEETH THE SIZE OF HOUSE SHINGLES.

 

SQEAKY SOUND OF GORILLA OPENING THE TOONTOWN GATE.

 

CUSTOMS GORILLA:
 

Welcome to Toontown, friend. Come on in and have some fun!