Walter Windchill Interviews Gary K. Wolf

(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN. FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown, broadcasting live on location from Lindy’s iHop in Toontown. I have as my guest tonight noted American humorist and humorous American Gary K. Wolf who’s here to talk about his new book. For those of you who know him, he needs no introduction. For those of you who don’t know him, he does. Welcome, Gary, to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

GARY K. WOLF:

Great to be here, Walter. Thanks for having me.

(SOUND OF WAITRESS DEPOSITING TWO DISHES ON TABLE.)

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I took the liberty of ordering us slices of Lindy’s signature limburger cheesecake. (SOUND OF WINDCHILL NEARLY INHALING HIS. SOUND OF WOLF GAGGING.) Let’s get right to dishing some dirt, because that’s what I do. How about we start with a discussion of everybody’s favorite actress. Since you are, after all, the man, the Svengali, who took Jessica Rabbit, a bumbling, buxom, bucktoothed, brown-haired, blaring-voiced farm girl and turned her into Hollywood’s hottest tamale.

(SOUND OF WOLF’S CHEST PUFFING UP PROUDLY)

GARY K. WOLF:

I’ve gotten thank you letters from half the schoolboys in the country. Most of those letters are too sticky to read.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I’ve heard it bandied around the soda fountain at Schwabs that you’re a little bit sweet on that ravishing redhead. And that she’s inclined to reciprocate

GARY K. WOLF:

(CHUCKLING, GREATLY AMUSED.) Me, Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, Baby Herman. The handsomest, most virile men in Hollywood. We’ve all been romantically linked to her at one time or another. There have even been rumors about her and you, Walter.

WALTER WINDCHILL

No!

GARY K. WOLF

Yes. Of course it’s all hokum. Publicity hogwash. An underhanded, lurid way to sell magazines, newspapers, and movie tickets. Jessica is as pure as Ivory Snow. She’s a one rabbit woman, and that one rabbit is Roger. She’s told me so herself, on many occasions. I have no reason to doubt her.

(SOUND OF TELEPHONE BRRRRRINGING)

WALTER WINDCHILL

Hello. (WHISPERING) I told you never to call me here. (PAUSE) Ooooh. (PAUSE) You know I do! (PAUSE) Believe me, if I could, I would. (PAUSE) Yes, yes, yes. As soon as I can, I will. (PAUSE) Ditto here. (PAUSE) I can’t say that. I’m live on the air. (PAUSE) All right. Just for you. (BARELY AUDIBLE.) Water wuv, wuv, wuvs his widdle Jessie-wessie. (HANGS UP)

WALTER WINDCHILL

Sorry about that, Gary. One of my confidential sources calling in with a tip. I understand you’ve got a hot new science fiction novel out called Typical Day.

GARY K. WOLF

Correct. It’s a story in which electronic game playing dictates a person’s every day actions, and then morphs into a game of life and death.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Right, good. Sounds fascinating. I’m putting it on my reading list. Wish we had more time to talk about it. Unfortunately, our program’s over.

GARY K. WOLF

Wait a minute. It’s a half hour show. We’ve still got twenty five minutes left.

WALTER WINDCHILL

We’re ending a little early tonight because I’ve got a hot (LONG, SALACIOUS PAUSE) lead. This is Walter Windchill signing off.

(SOUND OF PHONE DIALING)

WALTER WINDCHILL

(SOTTO VOICE) I’m on my way.

SOUND OF AMOROUS MAN RUNNING AS FAST AS HE POSSIBLY CAN

WALTER WINDCHILL

(VOICE GROWING FAINTER IN THE DISTANCE) Darling dearest Jessie. You do know what I like!

THWANGING SOUND OF OVERSTRETCHED TELEPHONE CORD YANKING OUT OF WINDCHILL’S PHONE, JERKING BACK, SMACKING THE ILLUSIONS OUT OF GARY K. WOLF.

CHEAP-SKATING SOUND OF WALTER WINDCHILL STICKING GARY K. WOLF WITH THE CHECK.