Walter Windchill Interviews Movie Producer Barney Sands

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)



WALTER WINDCHILL: 

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-roadcasting live on location from Radio Station WOOPS. 



I am pleased to have with me tonight movie producer Barney Sands.  If you don’t know Barney’s name, and I must admit until very recently I didn’t either, you soon will.  Barney has a movie cooking which I’m told is going to be this year’s biggest box office smasharoo.  Welcome, Barney to Toontown Through A Keyhole.




Movie Producer Barney Sands

 BARNEY SANDS:

 Good to be here, Walt.  Being on your show is the highlight of my career.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Until next year at the Academy Awards ceremony where I’m given to understand there might be a naked golden man with your name engraved on him.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS BECOMING DEFENSIVE AND INCENSED.

BARNEY SANDS:

That naked man story was never proven.  I don’t know where the Toontown Telltale gets its info.  I was going to sue that lousy rag for liable.  Except that’s liable to come back around and bite me in the butt.  Not that I’m admitting the butt biting story they ran about me is true either.  I don’t hang around with naked golden men.  I don’t bite butts.  The Telltale’s got it in for me big time. They print whatever lies will sell the most papers.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I was referring to an Oscar.  For the picture you’re about to film in Toontown.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS LIGHTING A CIGARETTE AND SUCKING IT DRY WITH ONE PUFF.

BARNEY SANDS:

Oh, yeah.  That.  Well, from your mouth to God’s sealed envelope.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Movie Producer Barney Sands

Can you give us a preview of your coming attraction..

BARNEY SANDS RAPIDLY LIGHTING AND SMOKING DOWN CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE AFTER CIGARETTE.

BARNEY SANDS:

Called Hi, Toon!  Gonna be something new, something I invented.  A buddy comedy. Two mismatched guys helping each other to solve a crime. One guy throws tight, hard, fast, and straight down the middle.  That would be none other than Gary Cooper.  The other pitches the screwball.  For that one I wanted Crusader Rabbit, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, The March Hare, the White Rabbit, Peter Cottontail, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Thumper, Peter Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Br'er Rabbit, the Playboy Rabbit, or the Easter Bunny, but they all had previous commitments.  So I finally settled for Roger Rabbit.

WALTER WINDCHILL

I’m not surprised you got Roger Rabbit.  Nobody else in town wants him.  Gary Cooper is kind of a surprise.  How did you land a big star like that?

BARNEY SANDS

Me and Coop, we go back a long way. He used to do bit parts in the one-reeler comedies and travel shorts I made when I was first starting out. That was when his name was Frank, and nobody knew him from my Uncle Abe. Frank Cooper. What a nothing name, I told him one night while we were working our way through a bottle of bathtub gin. 'You want to change your name to something memorable.'

"Like what?" he said.

At the time, we were filming a puff piece for a chemical company, buffing up their image which had taken a hit when a bunch of birds downwind of their plant fell out of the sky dead. In Gary, Indiana, we were. Lousy name for a town. No character. Not like Chicago or Detroit. But, I thinks to myself, a great name for an actor. 'Name yourself after here,' I tell him, 'after where we are now.

"'The Come On Inn?' he says.

I says, naw, not where we're staying. Where we're filming.

"Indiana?” Coop says. “You want me to call myself Indiana Cooper?”

Naw, that would be stupid, I tells him. Call yourself Gary.

"That's not a name,” he tells me.

Exactly, says I. It's not a name. You will be the one and only. Unique in all the world. Instead of Frank, of which there are many, you'll be Gary, of which there is only you. He thinks about it for a while, and he does what I suggest. You know how that deal worked out.

Coop told me if I ever needed a favor, to just call. So I called, and here he is. Starring in my movie.

WALTER WINDCHILL

I understand that there’s trouble afoot.  That somebody in Toontown doesn’t want this movie made.  Some nefarious entity has threatened to kill Gary Cooper if you go ahead with the project.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS SCRATCHING THE WORLD’S WORST TOUPEE

Barney Sands' Toupee

BARNEY SANDS

Naw, nothing like that’s going on.  Where you getting your info?  From the Toontown Telltale?  Sounds like the kind of piff puff poodle pee they print for news.

WALTER WINDCHILL

I got it from private eyeball Eddie Valiant.  He told me you hired him to body guard Cooper.  He showed me the threatening balloon warning you off.  Here.  See for yourself.

SOUND OF BARNEY SANDS READING WORD BALLOON.

BARNEY SANDS

Naw.  Somebody’s bad idea of a joke.  You know how Toons like to fool around.  That’s all this is.  Nothing but Toon hogwash.

WALTER WINDCHILL

So you’re going ahead with your project.  You’re not afraid?

BARNEY SANDS

Not one bit.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Well, Barney, you’re either a very brave man, or a very foolish one. Barney, I know I’ll be following this story with baited breath.  Good luck with your project.

BARNEY SANDS:

Thanks, Walt. Who knows.  Play your cards right, there might be a little part in it for you.

 

Walter Windchill's ashtray after his conversation with Barney Sands.

Walter Windchill Interviews Gary Cooper

(CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown. Brrrrr-roadcasting live on location from Radio Station WOOPS.



Walter Windchill



 

I am pleased to have with me tonight a very, very, very special guest.  Hollywood’s current box office champ, the handsome and debonair film star, none other than Gary Cooper.  Welcome, Gary to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Thanks.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 
I proved in my no-holds-barred interview with Bambi, I’m not one to fawn.   But Gary, I have to admit that I am one of your biggest fans.  You flew high in Dawn Patrol.  You really went to town in Mr. Deeds.  You marched to victory in Sergeant York.  In Pride of the Yankees, you knocked Lou Gehrig out of the park.  Can you tell us what you’re doing in Toontown.
 

GARY COOPER:

 

Yup.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Okay.  Would you tell us what you’re going in Toontown?

 

GARY COOPER:

Movie making.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Yes, that confirms what I’ve been hearing.  I’m told your film is going to be a new concept.  Something the producer, Barney Sands, is calling a buddy picture.  A strong, silent, serious type.  That would be you.  Paired up with a screwball. Together you solve a crime and bring a dastardly criminal to justice.

 

GARY COOPER:

True.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL

 

Can you reveal the name of your co-star?

 

GARY COOPER

 

Roger Rabbit.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL

 

That is exciting news.  Hollywood’s biggest star teaming up with Toontown’s biggest goofball.  I’m suspecting the fur will fly.  What’s the title of this new film?

 

GARY COOPER

 

Hi, Toon!

 

WALTER WINDCHILL

 

Catchy.  Gary, there have been rumors that you and Roger Rabbit’s hot cha cha wife Jessica used to be, how shall I put it, a bit more than friends.  Any truth to that?

 

SOUND OF MENTAL GEARS SLOWLY CHURNING.

GARY COOPER

 

Maybe.

 
WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Will that affect your working relationship with your co-star?

 

GARY COOPER

 

Dunno.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL

 

You don’t say a whole lot, do you?

 

GARY COOPER

 

Enough.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

My confidential sources tell me that there’s somebody in Toontown who doesn’t want this movie made.

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Could be.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL.

 

I’ve also heard that this nefarious personage has threatened to shoot you dead if you continue with this project.

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Right.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL.

 

And you’re still going ahead anyway?

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Got to.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL.

 

For goodness sakes, man.  Why?  When you could be killed?

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Promised.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL.

 

That’s ridiculous.  You’re willing to risk death to keep your promise.

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Absolutely.

 

SOUND OF GUNSHOT RINGING OUT.

 

SOUND OF WINDCHILL DIVING FOR COVER UNDERNEATH HIS DESK.

 

SOUND OF GARY COOPER NOT MOVING A MUSCLE.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL (VOICE MUFFLED.)

 

Get down, man.  Get down!  Somebody's shooting at you.

 

GARY COOPER:

 

Backfire.  Outside.

 

WALTER WINDCHILL (VOICE STILL MUFFLED.)

 

Oh, yeah.  I knew that.  I dropped my pencil.  I was only under here looking for my pencil.

 

SOUND OF WINDCHILL RESUMING HIS SEAT

 

WALTER WINDCHILL:

 

Thank you, Gary, for coming on the show today.  

 

GARY COOPER:

 

My pleasure.

 

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SPEAKING WHILE HE THINKS THE MICROPHONE IS OFF.

 

WINDCHILL:

 

Oh, God.  I did a Baby Herman.  I peed my pants!  Somebody get me a dry pair of pants!  Move it, people.  Chop chop. I’m all wet here.

Walter Windchill Interviews Jessica Rabbit!!!!

CUE POMPOUS SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC. BRING UP SOUNDS OF TYPEWRITER, TELEGRAPH KEY, TRAIN WHEELS, AIRPLANE ENGINE, SHIP’S HORN.  FADE OUT TO:)

WALTER WINDCHILL:



Walter Windchill

Good evening to all my loyal listeners from North to South, East to West, up to down, and points in between. This is columnist Walter Windchill, the coldest man in Toontown.  Brrrrr-oadcasting live on location from Delbert Monte's Top Banana, Toontown's swankiest nightspot.

BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF SINUOUS MUSIC AS A BUNCH OF SHAPELY, DANCING BANANAS PEEL OFF.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

My lovely, talented, charming guest tonight, Toontown’s sinewy, sultry siren, Jessica Rabbit.  Welcome, Jessica, to Toontown Through A Keyhole.

 SOUND OF JESSICA WEARING A SKIMPY OUTFIT APPLIED BY SPRAYGUN.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S MICROPHONE STANDING SLIGHTLY TALLER.

Jessica Rabbit and her best Boswell, Gary K. Wolf
 

 

JESSICA RABBIT:

Thank you for inviting me, Walter.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You can call me Walter.  Oh, wait.  You just did.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL GIGGLING NERVOUSLY

WALTER WINDCHILL:

You have a distinctly discombobulating effect on manly men of the mainly mannish persuasion.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Gentlemen do react oddly in the presence of my discombobulators.

SOUND OF JESSICA BENDING OVER TO STRAIGHTEN HER STOCKINGS.  SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S INNERSEAM STRAINING TO CONTAIN HIS JOURNALISTIC SCRUPLES.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

I just interviewed your hubby, Roger Rabbit.  He told me he’s shooting a new movie in Toontown called Hi, Toon! Is there a part in it for you?

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SILENTLY VOICING “I HOPE, I HOPE, I HOPE, I HOPE.”

JESSICA RABBIT:

Sadly, no.  My honey bunny’s movie is a new concept.  Something the producer, Barney Sands, calls a buddy comedy.  A screwball paired up with one big hunk of handsome to solve a crime.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

And Roger is which?

SOUND OF JESSICA GIVING WINDCHILL A WITHERING “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” LOOK.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Well, Roger’s the screwball, of course.  The handsome’s a human.  Gary Cooper.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Ahhh.  There have been rumors about your past romantic involvement with Gary Cooper.  Will that cause a problem?

JESSICA RABBIT:

There have been rumors about my romantic involvement with every actor in Hollywood.  All of them, I assure you, are completely without merit.  I’m a one rabbit woman, and that rabbit’s named Roger.

WALTER WINDCHILL

A very lucky rabbit, indeed.

JESSICA RABBIT

He should be.  He has four rabbit’s feet.  Big ones, I might add.  You know what they say about that?  Big feet, big shoes.  I love big shoes.

SOUND OF WALTER SADLY EXAMINING HIS OWN SIZE 7AA LOAFERS.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Private gumshoe Eddie Valiant tells me that he’s been hired on as Coop’s bodyguard.  Apparently there’s a hoodlum who doesn’t want this movie made.  He’s threatened to do bad things, very, very bad things, to Cooper if the production continues.

JESSICA RABBIT

If that is the case, you can bet that I’ll be there to do whatever I can to keep my hunny bunny safe and sound.  It’s a wife’s responsibility to stand by her rabbit .

WALTER WINDCHILL

Perhaps you’d be interested in continuing our interview someplace more private.  My apartment, perhaps?

JESSICA RABBIT

I’m sorry, Walter.  Normally I would say yes, but I have to slip out of my costume for the midnight show.

WALTER WINDCHILL

Don’t you mean slip into your costume?

JESSICA RABBIT

Not for the midnight show.  It’s entitled Why Don’t You Do Wrong?.  I perform au natural.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL’S JAW DROPPING.

WALTER WINDCHILL:

Too late for a front row seat?

JESSICA RABBIT:

I’m afraid so.  The midnight show sells out weeks in advance.

SOUND OF WINDCHILL SOBBING SOFTLY.

Good luck, Jessica with all your endeavors.

JESSICA RABBIT:

Thank you, Walter. It’s been fun.

SOUND OF JESSICA BLOWING WALTER A KISS.  SOUND OF KISS LANDING, PERPLOP, ON WALTER’S LIPS.  SOUND OF WALTER FAINTING DEAD AWAY.

Me and my best friend Tink.  She's sweet but kind of flighty.

Elmer Fudd's Wecipe For Wascally Wabbit

From Elmer Fudd’s Cookbook

Have you ever wondered what Elmer Fudd does with the “wabbits” he actually manages to hunt?

Well…

he makes delicious meals out of them!

Here we have the recipe to his specialty, the Wascally Wabbit, which is served nightly at The Toontown Café. This recipe is generously provided to us by Gary K. Wolf, who knows a bit about rabbits himself—as the creator of Roger Rabbit. He does insist you do not attempt to use Roger for your dinner. He quite needs Roger to stick around, especially since his upcoming novel, Who Wacked Roger Rabbit?, is to be released in just a few short weeks (though perhaps Roger was “wacked” just to be made into Wascally Wabbit soup?! Can’t say for sure…you’ll have to download it on November 29th to find out!


Elmer Fudd’s Wascally Wabbit
As Prepared At The Toontown Café

1 well-blasted 3-lb. wabbit (preferably Jack, cottontail, Bugs, Playboy or Peter variety, anything but Roger), cleaned, dressed, and disjointed
¼ tsp. peppercorns
¼ tsp. mustard seeds
4 cloves
3 bay leaves
1 cup cider vinegar
1 cup water
1 large yellow onion (avoid the talking kind; its sad stories will have you in tears), peeled and sliced very thin
½ cup chopped bacon
1 carrot, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
½ cup plus 2 tbsp. unsifted flour
¼ cup butter
½ cup dry red wine
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. sugar

Remove all fwab from wabbit; pwace wabbit in a deep bowl.

Tie spices and bay leaves in cheesecloth and simmer, covered, with vinegar, water, and onion 5 minutes; pour over wabbit, cover, and refrigerate 2 days, turning wabbit occasionally.

Lift wabbit from marinade (do not dry) and dredge in ½ cup flour; brown in butter in a large, heavy skillet over moderate heat 4-5 minutes. Transfer wabbit to a 3-quart kettle.

Brown remaining flour in drippings; strain marinade, add, and heat, stirring, until thickened.

Pour over wabbit, add onion and cheesecloth bag, also remaining ingredients, cover, and simmer 1-1½ hours until wabbit is tender. Shake kettle occasionally and check liquid level, adding a little extra water if mixture thickens too much.

Goes perfectly with a hearty glass of Toonshine.

Serves Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Daffy.